When It Comes To Loss

He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; He encircled him, He cared for him, He kept him as the apple of His eye.”

Deuteronomy 32:10 ESV

I have a bonsai that I treasure. I started it from a seed, and although that was probably a year ago, it is still not very big. This bonsai is called a desert rose, and someday will have beautiful blooms when it is in season. Thus far, it has only grown leaves, but they are shiny and smooth, and very pleasant to the eye. Over the course of the last several months, it has dropped its leaves many times. At times I was fearful that I would lose this plant that is so special to me, but with the right care, I was able to bring it back to full health each time. After this happened many times, I found out that desert rose bonsais hibernate when the weather is bad – dropping their leaves in order to survive what would otherwise destroy them. But as soon as conditions became conducive again, it would put out more leaves.

Over the course of the last several months, I have experienced a lot of loss myself. At first it was devastating, reaching a point where a broken fan made me weep. It was when we were moving out of the shelter into our own apartment. We had very few belongings while living in the shelter, but I had purchased the fan for the room we shared because we lived above the kitchen, and it got very hot in our room once winter began and the building’s heaters were on full force. The night we left the shelter for the last time, I had the fan and a few other belongings stacked on a small cart and was pushing it out to my car. The fan was not balanced well enough and tumbled to the ground. When I realized that it was well and truly broken, I felt all of the loss of the three months before slam into me like a wave in a turbulent ocean. I put the few belongings from the cart in to the back of my car and then I sat down in the front seat and wept. To be honest, it was a full blown panic attack. Because it wasn’t really the fan I was weeping over. It was the loss of the life that I knew, the loss of the innocence I had maintained in my naivety of how the world works, the loss of nearly sixteen years of my life. It was a reminder that no matter how positive I tried to keep my attitude, no matter how determined I was to overcome every obstacle, no matter how hard I worked to make life as normal as possible, I was not in control of any of it. But being broken like that made so many things easier from that point on. Once I finally realized it was all out of my control, I was able to surrender and truly begin to trust in God and what He was making out of my life. I began to see my life as the beginnings of a stained glass window – in order to become a beautiful piece of art for His light to shine through, my life first had to be broken.

The process of breaking hurts. It is a stabbing, stinging, shattering thing that you are surprised to discover you’ve survived when you look back on it. And many times we try to find a way to patch ourselves up – to get ourselves back to “normal”. But God is not calling us to be normal. Normal doesn’t change the world.

The Scripture at the beginning of the post is beautiful to me. It was a promise God made to the Israelites – His chosen people – after they had left Egypt, but before they made it to the Promised Land. He promised His people that He would love them and take care of them, even though He knew they would behave like spoiled, demanding children. There were consequences for their bad decisions, and many even died as the result of their sins, but God was always faithful to them. He was always ready and waiting to bless them once they returned to Him. He was there for them when their enemies threatened and attacked, and He fed them when there was no food to be found. He guided their every step and protected them from enemies and elements.

“He found him…in the howling waste of the wilderness….”

I feel this phrase in the depths of my soul. I have been in the midst of the howling waste. I have been buffeted by winds and waves and lashed by flying debris. And every time, I felt God’s strong hands surrounding me, lifting me up. Not out. Up. He didn’t rescue me from every situation, but He held me steady as I made my way through.

Almost everything I have lost, He has replaced. And the things He has not yet replaced, I believe that He eventually will. I don’t have it all together, but I know He does, and I choose to trust in Him.

I visited a friend’s church this morning, and they sang a song that resonated within me. I had heard it before, but today, it was an anthem declared from every fiber of my being.

If you are facing loss, are in the midst of it, or are close with someone in either situation, please know that this is not the end. And even if it feels like God is far away, know that I have been in your shoes, and I can promise you from experience that God is right with you, He loves you, and He will continue to meet your needs. It may not look like what you expect, but it will be what is best for you in the long run. Like a great artist, God can see the finished product and knows what needs to happen in order for you to reach completion. If you don’t have enough faith right now, rest on mine until you can find yours again.

Planting Reality

Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.

Earl Nightingale

Many of us have heard the popular catchphrase “what you think about, you bring about.” It seems so trite to me – like a bossy older sibling talking down to you from their place of supposed superiority. Not that I know what that feels like from experience; I am the older sibling.

Regardless of my thoughts about the tone of the phrase, I find it to be valid in my life. If I believe it’s going to be a bad day, my brain will be constantly scanning for the negative. That said, I do not believe that it is true one hundred percent of the time. I can believe it’s going to be a good day and be proven wrong. This would be where a few radical people would step in and say that I could choose for it to be a good day anyway. I disagree.

I remember sitting in youth group one Wednesday night, listening to a guest speaker. She was beautiful, which made her message even more believable to an impressionable teenager like myself. She was sharing how after a certain point in her life (in which she had had some sort of Divine experience), she no longer had bad days. That she was able to continually choose that each day was a good day because Jesus was her best friend.

Whoa, wait a minute. I am about to say something that some of you might find controversial. But I politely request you continue reading with an open mind before you make a judgment. You might find that we do agree afterall.

Having Jesus as your best friend/Savior/Lord/Master, etc., does not make every day a good day.

Say what? It’s true. Nowhere in the Bible does it say “thou shalt have a good day, everyday.” Nowhere does it proclaim that your glass must be half full (or half empty if it’s full of something nasty).

We are not called to be eternal optimists.

For some of you, this is probably hard to agree with. For others, the chains are loosening, and long-buried hope is struggling against the dark soil of your struggle.

But what about salvation? The promise of heaven? The end to our present suffering? Joy unspeakable?

I think the What Would Jesus Do? movement of the 90’s can help us figure this one out.

In John 11, Jesus received word that one of His dear friends (Lazarus) was dying. Scripture made it clear that Jesus loved Lazarus, along with his sisters Mary and Martha, very much. Despite this love, He chose to stay where He was for two more days, saying, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” After a few days, He told the disciples that it was time to go, that Lazarus was dead.

When they arrived, Jesus talked with Martha. Even though Lazarus had been dead four days, He told her that Lazarus would rise again. He then met with Mary, and was “deeply moved” at her weeping.

Let’s pause for just a second. Jesus knew from the beginning that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. Okay, back to the story.

Jesus allowed his friends to lead Him to the tomb where Lazarus lay, and knowing He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead just moments later, “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35) Read that again. “Jesus wept.”

He did not plaster a big smile on His face and act all cheery. There are two lessons in this: 1) Real friends grieve with their friends. They don’t pretend everything is peachy and tell their friends to “look on the bright side.” 2) It’s okay to weep, to be sad, to be angry. I won’t belabor this point because I wrote another post about this a while back.

As friends, we can usually see the bright side to someone else’s problem. As the person with the problem, sometimes we can see it too. Jesus didn’t just see the bright side, He was the bright side. But still He cried over the loss of His friend and the pain Lazarus’ friends and family members were experiencing.

So now that the pressure to be Positive Patty (no offense, Patty) all the time is invalid and unnecessary, what do we do with the whole thoughts become reality thing?

What are your dreams? What are you passionate about? What do you want to do that you are not sure you can do? (Realistically – even if we had the ability to fly, mythology makes it clear it’s probably a bad idea.)

We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. It’s been twenty years since you graduated from high school and you want to go back to school to pursue a degree in a field you are passionate about? You can do it. As Mr. Nightingale said above, “nourish with repetition and emotion.” Do things that promote that dream. Even if they are tiny things, like researching the differences between online and physical college classes. Find blogs, videos on YouTube, Pins on Pinterest that motivate you to step out of your comfort zone. And then keep building.

One other aspect I want to touch on quickly is when we do need to look on the bright side. That’s when we start to wallow. You know, the woe is me, my life is over, things will never get better pit that we all seem to get stuck in at least once or twice in our lives.

Feelings are healthy. Feelings are not choices. Our choices come in when we choose how we will respond to our feelings. And as I have written in the past, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging and feeling our feelings. But we can’t just sit there forever.

Life is not easy. It’s time to stop pretending it is.

Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Wesley, The Princess Bride (written by William Goldman)

Because I Can

Unless you are new to this blog, you have already learned that I love plants. Both of my thumbs (and probably my big toes) are green, and I have living, green things throughout my apartment. I often find clearanced out plants at Lowe’s – and occasionally Walmart – that are nearly dead, buy them super cheap, clean them up, and then love them back to life. I have done this so many times that my mom has taken to calling me the “Plant Doctor.” I laugh when she does, but she’s not really wrong. Between research and experimenting, I have successfully brought back many plants over the years.

This passion of mine is a lot of fun, but it holds deeper meaning for me as well. My life has been full of ups and downs, and sometimes I feel I can relate to some of these plants.

I can’t tell you how many times my life has taken an unexpected turn. I can’t tell you how many times I have found my hope nearly destroyed by events and experiences I’ve lived through. But every single time, God has picked me up, cleaned me off, and transplanted me so I have room to grow. It’s a painful experience, but each time it’s been worth the tears and struggle.

And so yes, I can relate. But even that is not the primary focus of what I want to write about today.

Before I left an extremely unhealthy situation, I struggled with ridiculous anxiety. I don’t mean that I felt nervous or a little stressed. I mean I had increasingly regular panic attacks, the unknown terrified me, I struggled with trusting anyone, and functioning like a “normal” adult was a challenge. Many days it was a challenge I couldn’t rise to. Thankfully, God brought me out of a bad situation, and within six months, I went from almost crippling anxiety to almost none at all.

This is what I want to talk about. Not the anxiety itself – it’s all over the news and social media these days, you don’t need me to tell you what it looks like – but one basic step to help yourself deal with it until it passes. I’m not going to tell you to pray about it, because hopefully you already are. I am going to give you this one thing you can do to keep fighting for your mind – maybe even your life.

So what is this one thing? That’s up to you.

Oh geez, Misty, that’s helpful.

No, it really is. You find one thing that you can do. I don’t care if it’s as simple as turning on a light, opening the blinds or a window, or reading five words on a page. Find that one thing that you can commit to yourself that you will do each day. When you are ready, feel free to add another, but for now, be content with one.

Even if you don’t struggle with severe anxiety, this can be applied to your life as well. Currently, I find myself with too many goals and too little time. I was alone this weekend and apart from working out with some new friends first thing in the morning, I had all day to myself yesterday. I had so many projects I wanted to get done, but I knew that I couldn’t do them all. I could have allowed my feelings of being overwhelmed convince me to take a nap and not do any of it, but instead, I chose one thing I could do. I transplanted, pruned, and watered all of my plants. I threw away what was dead (the dead stuff can drain the life out of what’s living), and rearranged what was left so that each plant was getting the light it needs. Some of my plants were new – I found a few plants on clearance at Lowe’s the night before (a couple of them were as low as fifty cents!) – and they needed the most work.

When I was done, I had a big mess in my kitchen. There were dead leaves and dirt all over my floor! I needed a break, so I took one. And then I felt exhausted because I hadn’t slept much at all the night before, got up early to do an intense workout, and then worked for a few hours on my plants. So I took a nap. Yes, I left the dirt on my floor. I was the only one home, and I needed to rest.

But don’t worry, I swept my floor and mopped it a few hours later.

It’s about finding what you can do, doing it, and taking breaks when you need to.

In the past, I have pushed through and completed a lot of things all at once. But then I felt so exhausted the next few days that it killed my motivation to do anything else. Finding that balance is what is important.

And so sometimes, I work on plants because I can.

The Land Of The Living

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

of David, Psalm 27:13

Psalm 27 is a grateful outpouring of King David’s heart – one that proclaims the protection and provision of the Lord over him. If you are familiar with the life of David, you know that it was fraught with many complications. Several of these were direct results of the king’s sin against the Lord and against His people, but David always repented. While God did not remove the consequences of David’s sin, He did not give up on him either. He continued to take care of David until the end of his life.

This verse has been resonating within my heart and mind the last couple of days – and especially today. The last few weeks have been some of the hardest I’ve faced since striking out on my own with my beautiful girls, and yet each step of the way I have found a reminder of God’s goodness. He has continued to provide for us over and over, and each time, it happened in a way that reminded me that I am seen by God and by His people. We have been blessed so much lately, and I am so grateful.

A couple weeks ago I needed to get us moved into a bigger apartment, and I was having difficulty finding one. God provided an apartment for us. But then my dad tried to transfer the last amount I needed into my bank account through PopMoney, and for whatever reason, it wasn’t going to be deposited in time for me to get my keys. God used a local church to help make moving possible. He also helped us find a church to try!

My oldest daughter needed a white top and black pants for a band competition last week, and I had bought them for her from Walmart. We couldn’t find them anywhere the next day, and so I thought maybe we accidentally left them at the store. I checked at the customer service desk and they weren’t there, nor was there a record of anyone having turned in a bag with those two items in there. The customer service worker told me to go get the same pants and the same shirt off the sales floor and bring them to her. She ended up sending them home with me for free even though I didn’t have a receipt! She didn’t know my situation either. She had no clue I was a single mom, that I have three growing girls, etc.

About a month ago, I had lost $100 and could not find it anywhere. I felt God tell me to let go and not worry about it. I chose to obey, and guess what? Saturday morning it turned up. And I needed it more on Saturday than I had a month ago. God’s timing may not seem perfect to us at the moment, but it truly is in the long run. I am so grateful He can see the big picture.

This life may be a roller coaster – day by day and moment by moment – but my God is always there. He is always with me, and He always provides. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

You may not understand why you are going through what you are going through. It may seem as if your prayers are not getting through to God. Trust. Easier said than done, I know. Someday, you will look back and see why He did things the way He did, and your heart will overflow with gratitude.

It’s Not All Sunshine And Roses

It’s 12:47 am and I have to be up in about five hours, but I felt the need to write this right now. I’m tired and I want to go to bed, but something said this needed to be done, so here I am.

I just finished uploading the biggest part of my grade in my current online class around ten minutes ago. It was a paper I entitled Truth or Fiction: The Fibonacci Sequence. Uploading this paper meant that this class (which I have loathed – umm, hello, math) has only one week left. Uploading this paper meant that the one thing I could do well in this course would be done. Math is not my friend, but I am really good at research and compiling it into a paper.

The problem, however, is that it was due at 11:59 pm on Sunday, April 21, 2019. My paper uploaded at 12:32 am on Monday, April 22, 2019.

It wasn’t that the paper wasn’t done. Oh, believe me, it was done. The school websites didn’t want to load quickly, and some of them wouldn’t load at all. I thought it might be my internet connection, but I didn’t have that problem with other webpages, so it had to have been on the school’s end. Once the page I needed to upload my paper to loaded, it didn’t want to upload my paper. And then it said my paper wasn’t a file. And then the file I uploaded disappeared completely from the page. Finally it uploaded correctly and I was able to turn it in. Hopefully I won’t lose points for something that was out of my control. I tried for nearly an hour to upload my document before succeeding.

Believe it or not, this little fiasco was the icing on the cake of my night. As I sat down (a few hours before) to finish up my paper and turn it in, a sudden wave of discouragement hit me. I messaged my two best friends to let them know what was going on so they could pray for me. To be honest, I sent it to one and then screenshot the messages and sent it to the other one, because I didn’t want to risk running out of time to work on my paper.

I listed six things that were making me feel discouraged – the final one being, “And I don’t want to finish writing this paper.” Three of the other five were the issues that my three daughters are struggling with right now. As a mom, I sometimes feel powerless to help them through some of these struggles, but when I’m not feeling discouraged, I know that that is just the voice of my overwhelmed mind. I can’t fix them, but I can help them. It just won’t all be solved overnight. Some of them might take more than a year. One of the other two is knowing we need a new rental – like now – and I have yet to find one. I have been looking for months. I viewed one last Thursday that I really liked, but the landlord had several people to show it to, and I am waiting to hear back. I am supposed to view another tomorrow, but I have to view it within my work hours. Someone was going to pick up a couple hours of my shift so I could go look at the apartment within the allotted timeframe, but something came up and they are no longer able to cover it. The other one is something I won’t go into detail on. Suffice it to say that parts of my life are still under control – to a degree – of someone I don’t want them under the control of. Their control is very limited, but sometimes it feels like more than it truly is.

Once I was able to list these things out, I felt immensely better. It was also easier to go to God and ask for help for these things, as the causes of my discouragement were now very clear in my mind. I also knew my friends would be there in prayer for me.

So why the urgency in sharing all of this? Because it’s too easy to live social media lives that have little to do with our real ones. It’s easy to type pretty words and talk about how faithful God is when things are going well. And although I can share with you things I have dealt with in the past, I find it’s easier to be seen as a real human with real problems if I can share with you the things I’m struggling with now.

This is not a plea for sympathy. This is merely reassurance that I am you. Not exactly you, but I have issues too. Issues that are quite overwhelming sometimes. The shoes I wear are not always attractive, and they definitely are not always comfortable. But I still believe that God is here and He hears me. He knows my past, my present, and my future, and He is in control. Although all I can see are a bunch of strangely colored puzzle pieces that don’t seem to go together at all, He can see the big picture on the puzzle box, and He knows how it all goes together.

Five hours ago, I wanted to lay down and give up. But now, with less than five hours until my alarm wakes me up to start the day, I am confident. Not in myself and my abilities, but in the fact that because of Him, I can face another day with grace and peace.

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The Journey Begins

Had the last twenty years of my life been made into a movie, one might be tempted to view it as a tragedy. Pain, my constant companion, nearly destroyed me. Were it not for grace, I would no longer be counted among the living – even had I physically survived.

For a long time, shame closed my mouth. Fear helped keep it sealed. I didn’t want to be judged, to be found as lacking as I thought myself to be. My pain was already enough, and I didn’t need anyone adding to it. It wasn’t until my offspring began showing signs of struggling with pain similar to mine that I found the courage to start speaking out.

Even then, much of what I thought caused my pain was incorrect. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me. It has not been until the last few months that my eyes have been opened to the truth. Pried open, in some respects, due to having preferred my blindness.

Now that the healing has begun, I have chosen to cease my silence. No longer will I hide the ugliness when transparency could potentially set others free.

Thus my invitation – grow with me.

We know we cannot plant seeds with closed fists. To sow, we must open our hands. – Adolfo Perez Esquivel

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